Don't tell us 'you can't'

By ALFRED P. DOBLIN, NorthJersey.com, February 16, 2006

	BETH BALBIERZ / THE RECORD Cynthia Vandenberg and David Henderson, both of Trenton, joined the rally in support of same-sex marriage outside the Richard J. Hughes Justice Complex in Trenton.  Vandenberg held her her 14-month-old daughter, whose biological father is Henderson's partner.

The state Supreme Court Wednesday heard arguments on whether gays should be allowed to marry in New Jersey.  As surely as the case will shape law, it will change lives, including the lives of the seven couples suing the state.  Today, columnist Alfred Doblin profiles one of the couples, the fifth in a series of seven.

It could have been a sketch on "Seinfeld."  It's the clerk's first day on the job and she is eager to please.  Two women walk in seeking a license to marry -- each other.  On "Seinfeld," the scene would end:  "No soup for you."  In real life:  "No form for you."

Suyin Lael, and her partner Sarah, plaintiffs in the same-sex marriage lawsuit, applied for the license.  The clerk handed them a form to fill out.  "We looked at this and it said 'man and woman,' " Sarah said.  They pointed out the obvious to the clerk:  woman and woman.

"I think she realized she was getting in over her head and said that she had to wait for her supervisor," Sarah said.  With their $20 check and their witness, they waited in the lobby for 40 minutes.  The supervisor arrived and said, 'There is no form for you.' "

That rejection made their wish to be married all the more intense.  "It was having someone say, 'You can't,'" Suyin said. Each of the seven same-sex couples in the lawsuit encountered a similar rejection.

Oral arguments were made Wednesday before the state Supreme Court, whose decision will be final; no appeals.  "You can't" is not an acceptable conclusion for Suyin and Sarah.

They live in Dayton in a rural section of Middlesex County.  With three children and a dog, they represent the antithesis of what the religious right would depict as the "gay lifestyle."  For Suyin and Sarah, who legally changed their last names to Lael (it was Suyin's middle name), the only lifestyle they embrace is family.

If being a lesbian couple was not challenge enough, Sarah, a speech therapist, and Suyin, who works for a nonprofit organization that deals with adults and children with special needs, are an interracial couple.  Their three adopted children are black.  The oldest, Zenzali, 8, was adopted from Liberia.  Siblings Tenaj, 6, and Danica, 5, were adopted through the state Division of Youth and Family Services.

Suyin had to adopt Zenzali before she could be brought into the United States, and then again in New Jersey.  Sarah had to separately adopt Zenzali.  A married couple would have had less paperwork, fewer costs and, most important, no fear that if something happened to one of them during the separate adoption processes, the other could lose custody of the child.

For their children, the lawsuit demonstrates that injustice must be met by action.  "It's really good for them to know that when something isn't right, you take steps to challenge it, that you don't comply with things that aren't right," Sarah said.

Tenaj and Danica's adoption went through after the women joined the lawsuit.  By then, lesbians adopting in New Jersey was more accepted.  Suyin and Sarah believe the lawsuit gave them more stability in the eyes of DYFS.  Sarah said, "If anything, it was a slight plus because they knew we were committed to each other and that we felt strongly by family."

That meant researching where to live and where to send their children to school.  It was not enough to find good academic programs; it also was important to find environments that welcome children with two moms.

"We have the same hopes and dreams for our family as anyone else," Sarah Lael said.  "Basically, at this point of our lives, everything we do is for our children."

For the couple, the desire to be married was cumulative.  Waiting on line for a rental car, they might hear someone add his spouse to the rental agreement at no extra cost.  Suyin not only had to pay more for Sarah, Sarah also was required to be there to sign the agreement.  A wife would not have had to.

A wife would not have to explain to receptionists in doctors' waiting rooms that she can sign medical forms for all their children.

A wife can call an emergency room and get her spouse's condition update.

A wife is not told:  "You can't."

Both women feel that children need to see that same-sex parents are not so unusual.  They were upset by the controversy last year over the PBS children's program "Postcards from Buster."  An episode depicting a group of parents, including a lesbian couple, became the subject of controversy after U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings publicly complained about the content.  Many PBS stations pulled the segment.

"I thought it was really sad that it wasn't aired widely because I think it was something that was good for children to see," Suyin said.  "The truth is that there are a lot of children – and more every day – that have parents of the same sex.  And just by not airing a TV show doesn't mean that it doesn't happen or it doesn't exist or your children aren't going to be exposed to it."

"We really want to get married," Suyin said.  "Domestic partnership in New Jersey is kind of like a last-ditch effort.  It provides some rights, but it doesn't really do a lot for you."

Sarah added, "It's just not the same thing.  It's like being offered a half measure to help other people feel comfortable."

It's like two adults walking into a municipal clerk's office, asking for a marriage license so they can legally wed and being told, "You can't."

This is the fifth part of an eight-part series on same-sex marriage in New Jersey.  Alfred P. Doblin is the editorial page editor of the Herald News.  Reach him at doblin@northjersey.com